I hate hate.

This blog isn't supposed to be depressing.  Far from it.  I have been playing with the idea of starting a blog for a long time, because I have a lot of thoughts and a lot of feelings about things and I think this is a positive output for those thoughts and feelings.  I also find myself to be quite funny some of the time.  Today is not one of those times.  Hopefully tomorrow.

I am sad.  When I read the news, it saddens me.  When I read the comments on news stories, it saddens me even more.  What has made all these people so hateful?  What has made them so angry and so justified in their anger that they so strongly believe that the world’s problems can be summed up into groups?  Not just themes, but groups of people.  Women.  Feminists.  Muslims.  Terrorists.  Aboriginal.  Homeless.  It is always someone else’s fault.  Why can’t people understand that problems are not summed up into groups, but by grouping people we cause problems?

I want to have children one day.  I want to have a little girl and a little boy.  I want them to grow up loving each other but I am scared to death of bringing them into a world where they are going to be sent messages of hate.  Will they end up hating each other?  Will they end up hating their neighbour because his dad wears a turban or her mom wears a hijab?  Will they end up hating their best friend because in high school they find out he’s gay?  Will they end up hating their childhood playmate because she’s tired of being marginalized and stands up for cultural learning and the oppression of her people?  Will they end up hating their teacher because she goes to church? And their principal because he goes to mosque?  Are they entitled to hate just because they aren’t part of a marginalized population?  But then what happens when my daughter learns of patriarchy, and misogyny?  What then? 

I am so exhausted by the news that I’ve stopped reading.  On Facebook I am bombarded by inflammatory stories, by people posting to show others “Look! Look how much hate is in the world!”  All I can think is that by giving this anger air time, you are validating its existence.  Do I hate?  Yes.  I hate hate.  Do I get angry at groups of people when women are raped and buildings fall down and the gap between the wealthy and the poor is so obvious that it disgusts me?  Yes.  But then I have to do something else.  My thought process cannot stop at hate because I cannot live inside my own head when anger and hate are pressing against my forehead, sitting between my eyebrows where those feelings reside until they come out on every word that comes off my tongue.  I have to reevaluate.  Where is my anger coming from?  Is my anger more justified than anyone else’s?  No.  It is what I do with that anger that matters.  Every terrible act begins with a small feeling.  A spark of anger and hate, whether it is justified or not is not the question.  By allowing those feelings to take me over I am putting out the same feelings that I am getting back with these news stories and Facebook posts.  Anger and hate. 

Instead I feel sad, I feel sad for the people whose lives are driven by negative feelings and those who have been victims of others hate.  I think I first feel sadness because that is the path from anger to hope.  It is the next step on the spectrum, at least on my spectrum, towards positivity.  I am sad of the “us vs. them” attitude, no matter who the “us” or the “them” are.  I am sad because I want my children to be whoever it is that makes them happy, and with whomever it is that makes them happy, but I also just want them to be like me, because it is easier than being different. 

I hate hate.  And I love love.  But right now I feel nothing but sadness and exhaustion, because it is better than the alternative of anger and hate.